Let me just start by asking you this question. When was the last time you were on your knees while praying? I am going to be very honest, and vulnerable in this post; Before I started writing, I couldn’t remember when I was on my knees seeking and praying.
I was sitting on my bed and I felt bored. It took me a while to realize that I wasn’t feeling bored but it was more of a feeling of loneliness. I turned on the tv but that wasn’t fulfilling. I put on some music and started snap chatting friends to feel closer to someone, but then that wasn’t fulfilling.
Deep in my chest I felt the need to pray. I felt the need to feel God’s presence. I put on my favorite song, sat at my desk and just stayed quiet for a minute, waiting. Waiting for God’s presence to fill my room, hoping that my loneliness would just vanish.
I guess that’s what we expect when we “seek” God’s presence, right? Well instead I felt further away from God. I felt so empty and I started crying, not because I was praying but because I felt nothing.
Not being able to feel the presence of the lord when you’re desperately seeking, is the worst feeling I have felt. I remembered that I had heard a preaching and the pastor was talking about seeking God. You had to seek the presence of God. Break through whatever was stopping you.
I thought, easy enough. I got on my knees and it’s painful to admit that it had been years since I had been there. It has been years since I had physically knelt before the Lord.
I even told him that I didn’t remember how to do it. That I couldn’t remember how to just sit at his feet and feel my heart melt away in his love. It felt so unusual for me.
I have been so caught up with trying to move my life forward on my own that I have forgotten how to be with God. Yes, I go to church every Sunday. Yes, I serve at the church. But in all reality, my relationship with God hasn’t been as strong as it was in the past.
I feel like we do this. I don’t want to believe that I am the only one that has gone through this. I don’t want to think that I am the only one that has been so desperate seeking a reputation rather than a relationship with God.
As I was there on the floor, trying to get a hold of God, I realized that I didn’t feel anything. I sang a song, I cried out to God. I did everything right and I wish I could say that in that moment I felt his presence. BUT i didn’t. Not because he wasn’t there, but because there is something bigger than me stopping me from getting there.
I don’t know what it is, but I know that that barrier will be broken. Because even though right now, I feel lonely and defeated; I know that God is right here. I know that the battles that I won’t be able to fight, he will. I know that I shouldn’t give up, that he is here and my heart will feel him.
I really don’t know if anyone is going through the same thing, but it’s a hard thing to admit. It’s so easy to be in denial and pretend that everything is okay. It’s easy to put a smile on your face and go on with your life. It’s also embarrassing to say that I’ve been a Christian my whole life but can’t feel God right now.
It’s taking a lot of strength from me to admit it, but I will continue to seek him. I will continue to pray and get on my knees because I KNOW that he is HERE.